I’m mad at myself for not doing more about it. I’m mad at the hospitals who don’t have to report their mistakes to any agency. It would be nice if we had some kind of consumer report for hospitals and their treatment of the aging.

In the dining room one time, my mother was sitting with three other patients, also in wheelchairs, at a table. The other three were virtually helpless; just slumped forward in their wheelchairs, while their food, put on the table in front of them, was inaccessible, even if they had the strength to reach for it. One of them tried to pick up the spoon given her, but her hands were shaking too much and it fell. My mother heard her whisper “Help me” and so my mother, while unable to reach to do it herself, was able to attract the attention of a visitor who was feeding her own mother at a nearby table. She asked the visitor if she would help the old lady at her table, and the woman came and fed her a few spoonfuls.

The two nurses on duty were spending the mealtime each feeding another two patients, leaving the remaining 30 or so to manage on their own. Then everyone’s food was whisked away, most of it untouched, and the patients were wheeled back to their rooms.

This was in a $200-a-day facility, recommended by the local hospital. The children of these pathetic old people probably believed, since they’d put their parent in an expensive, quality institution, they’d be taken good care of. Not so. Unless someone’s there to advocate for your parent, they’re pretty much abandoned.

The goal of these facilities is to make money, and since many old people can barely speak for themselves, and are ignored or conveniently disbelieved because they’re senile and imagining things, there’s no pressure on the directors to hire more staff and reduce their bottom line.

So don’t think you’ve been good to your parent because you have them in a good care facility. You need to be there and to make your voice heard and your presence known.